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On the last track, we discussed stage three of family addiction, hopelessness, and the four important aspects of hopelessness. These aspects are negative attachments, unbridgeable gulfs, living in a state of trauma, and connections no longer hold.
On this track, we will discuss the three ways the addictive process affects a couple. These three effects are, the initial agreement of the relationship breaks down, anxiety is created due to the breakdown, and the co-addict becomes the sole keeper of the initial agreement.
3 Effects of the Addictive Process on Couples
Effect # 1 - Break Down of the Initial Agreement
The first breaks were small- David stopped calling Sasha when he was going to be late, for example. At this point, the David still felt that the relationship was strong, but Sasha, the co-addict, began to sense that the David was living less like a partner and more like a completely independent individual.
Effect # 2 - Creation of Anxiety
Do you find, like I, that although an addict may be subconsciously aware that he or she is fighting for his or her life against addiction, they externally fight against the person they love, who wants the substance abuse to stop? Since the Sasha did not find anxiety relief in substance use, she turned to seeking power and control.
Sasha stated, “I’m so tired! I spend all my time and energy chasing after David to keep him sober! When I’m not searching the house for his hidden stashes, I’m paying fines he got or cleaning up his blood and puke from the bathroom, or running him to the doctor to get stitches put in or taken out! I gave up going out with my friends to help him, but if I even suggest he drinks too much, he calls me crazy or worse, and tells me to get off his back. You should have heard the fight we had when I took his credit card away!”
Are you treating a client like Sasha, who had made profound sacrifices to try to keep their partner sober, and maintain control?
Effect # 3 - Co-Addict becomes the Sole Keeper of the Agreement
Having treated addicted couples, you have probably observed that at some point the co-addicted partner becomes so frustrated and beaten up by the addictive process that they secretly give up on meaning and love. Sasha came to believe that power and control were all that could protect her.
Sasha stated “I just couldn’t take it anymore! The drinking, lying, bills- I was just sick of it! I was the one who fought for this marriage, I was the one who held on to our dreams, and there I was wishing David would die just so the pain would stop. I kept begging David to do things for the sake of our marriage- but I wanted out! I felt so ashamed… I couldn’t tell anybody! not even my best friend Sue, who was the first one to ask me if I should be staying with David…”
I told Sasha, “addiction puts a gun to a couple’s head. If there’s a gun pointed at you, you don’t try to start a meaningful dialogue. You submit. It’s understandable that being married to an addict, you submit, and feel like quitting.” Sasha had tried many times to patch the relationship, and reconnect with David, and each time was drawn into a power struggle instead, which made her feel even more distant from the man she loved.
“Shame Tracker” Exercise
On this track we have discussed the three ways the addictive process affects a couple. These three effects are, the initial agreement of the relationship breaks down, anxiety is created due to the breakdown, and the co-addict becomes the sole keeper of the initial agreement.
On the next track, we will discuss the effect addiction has on children. The four aspects of the addictive process affecting children are: consequences of addiction affect children differently, the innocence of children, the attachment of the child to the addict, and the age and development status of the child.
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