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On the last track, we discussed the caretaking trap. This involves family members feeling they have no choice, avoiding pain and seeking pleasure, feeling guilt and shame, and being well-intentioned.
On this track, we will discuss the blame game, in which placing blame on other family members keeps focus away from the addict’s addiction.
As you are aware, blame doesn’t do any good for anyone. It may lead to a feeling of temporary relief, but never leads to long-term solutions. Blame keeps individuals from taking action- since others are at fault, all there is to do is sit around and wait for them to pull themselves together.
As we discussed in Track 1, blame can be a form of misdirection often used by addicts. Remember Peter and Brigit? When Brigit confronted Peter about his alcohol addiction, Peter blamed her, turning the focus away from his behavior.
Family Member Blame Game
Martha, 64, was addicted to sedatives, painkillers, and alcohol. Since the death of her husband five years ago, Martha’s three grown children have had to deal with her addiction. Lauren, the oldest, lived nearby, and quickly became the caretaker. When Martha passed out while frying chicken, resulting in a small kitchen fire, Lauren decided to cook and freeze all Martha’s meals so that she would never have to use the stove.
Lauren spends more time with Martha than with her own husband and children, searching Martha’s house for pills she can throw away, and staying nights to make sure her mother does not overdose. Lauren told me “if I work really hard, I can at least give her back some of her dignity”.
Martha’s other children had different ways of dealing with her addiction. Jenny visited every other weekend, became angry with Martha, and argued with her. Jenny felt like she was the victim of Martha’s addiction, and expected her to use willpower to ‘snap herself out of it’.
Phillip, the youngest, lived 400 miles away, and rarely
visited or talked about Martha’s addiction. He was ashamed of her behavior,
and viewed her as a bad person, rather than as a sick person. Phillip, Lauren,
and Jenny all blamed each other for enabling Martha’s addiction. Jenny
blamed Lauren for babying Martha, and Phillip for hiding their
mother’s problems. Lauren blamed Jenny, telling me “she swoops
in every other week, makes Mom angry, and leaves. She has no idea what I go
through day after day!”.
Getting Past the Blame Game
ABC Blame Statements
Now that Lauren had identified the irrational belief that was causing her anger and blame, I asked her to come up with a list of statements and question to challenge the irrational belief. Lauren wrote “Mom has hurt us both in different ways. Jenny does have a right to be angry with her, and so do I”, and “I can’t control how Jenny reacts to Mom, I can only control how I let myself be affected by it.”
I encouraged Lauren to mentally recite her list of belief-challenging statements every time she started to become angry at Jenny for yelling at their mother. I told Lauren that although she could not change Jenny’s behavior, she could shape her feelings about it by ceasing to focus on Jenny’s behavior, and focusing on the cause of her discomfort, and by continuing to challenge her irrational beliefs.
On this track, we have discussed the blame game, in which placing blame on other family members keeps focus away from the addict’s addiction. On the next track, we will discuss the mirroring of symptoms in the addict’s family, and the four character defect personality types: the caretaker, the perfectionist, the procrastinator, and the rageoholic.
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