But I Have Such A Great Catch! Treating Controlling Abusive Relationships

The previous track dealt with a three-tiered method of constructing affirmations from a content-based impersonal affirmation, to a content-based personal affirmation statement, and finally constructing a visualization with Rhonda. I would like once again bring up the concept of B-A-D questions discussed on track 9 to show you how I connected this into resistance for Rhonda.

Have you found, like I, that when a client is in the midst of an abusive relationship, she is trying to figure out what's best for herself and her children? Rhonda was always taking stock and re-evaluating her options. If you recall, Rhonda, the 41 year-old school teacher, had two children. Rhonda had been married for twenty years to Jeffrey.

The B-A-D Questions
In Track 9 we discussed how I had used the B-A-D questions with her. If you recall the B-A-D questions were:

1. "Do you think that you can bear this type of treatment for the rest of your life?"
2. The "A" stands for acceptable. I asked Rhonda, "You stated your husband is not behaving the way that a man in love with you, committed to his wife, behaves. Is that acceptable to you?"
3. The "D" stands for deserve. I then stated, "I'm sure there have been good times between you two, but that's not what I'm hearing about. You sound unhappy. Do you think you deserve happiness?"

Demoting the 'Great Catch'
In addition to this, on the previous track, track 13, we talked about use of affirmations with Rhonda. Both the B-A-D questions and the three-tiered affirmations combined to be steps towards resistance to Jeffrey's controlling, abusive behavior. The result? This resistance repositioned him out of the status of being the "Great Catch."

Here's an example of how this resistance and repositioning evolved in one session following Rhonda's use of the BAD questions and the affirmations. She triumphantly stated as she took her usual seat in my office, "I refused to do Jeffrey's laundry. I am sick of his criticism. He kept telling me that I was doing it wrong, so I told him that if I couldn't do it right he should take his dirty shorts somewhere else and get it done professionally." This was the method Rhonda chose to show resistance to Jeffrey's extreme verbal abuse. Obviously, when your client who is in an abusive relationship begins to see a therapist, she has already taken steps to resist her partner's control.

This resistance to Jeffrey's control helped Rhonda start to regain her strength in the relationship. She also regained a certain level of pride, rather than feeling like, as she stated, "the door mat." By not doing Jeffrey's laundry, she clearly was challenging or resisting the control he had in the relationship. But, in looking at the bigger picture, this action challenged the balance of power in their relationship.

Following Rhonda's big announcement that she was not doing Jeffrey's laundry, what would have been your next step in her session? Here's what I stated in a supportive manner, "Some actions are more effective than others, and sometimes they may even be counter-productive. But, you never know what will happen until you try. I admire your courage. How is it going now? How do you feel now about it? How is Jeffrey reacting?"

Here's a basic that bears repeating. When a woman in an abusive relationship comes to me, I recommend that she finds a support network, which will be stressed through the following tracks. Ask yourself, when your client is resisting control and repositioning the balance of power in the relationship, do you need to assist her in assessing her sources of support? This is a basic I can easily overlook when caught up in the drama of my client's current trauma.

In my mind it took a lot of courage on Rhonda's part to refuse to do Jeffrey's laundry. I feel she was able to gather the courage to do this, because we had talked about her creation of a support network.

QUESTION 14
Resistance against an abuser in a relationship challenges what?
To select and enter your answer go to Answer Booklet.