Teaching Parents Strategies for Difficult Teens

On the last track, we discussed a common teenage outburst in five levels and ways to diffuse it.  These five levels of confrontation were: whining and complaining; stubborn refusal; verbal abuse; threats of violence; and acts of violence. 

I have noticed, as you may have as well, that the battles between mother and daughter, father and son, originate because one person will make assumptions about the other.  For instance a mother can assume that her daughter knows not to drink or come home late, or a son may assume his father won’t care if he borrows the car for one night.  Although these may sound obvious to some of us, these sort of assumptions happen quite often in a family with a disruptive teen.  To help these families, I encourage them to write a Family Agreement Contract. 

On this track, we will discuss the three key steps involved in writing an effective Family Agreement Contract.  These steps include:  streamlining the problems; creating concrete rules; and creating a well-written consequence.

3 Steps to Writing an Effective Family Agreement Contract

Step #1. Streamlining the Problems
The first step in writing a contract is streamlining the problems.  It becomes quite apparent that families who have a great deal of conflict arising between them cannot tackle all the problems at once.  It is just too exhausting and the bigger problems will not get the attention they need. 

Carol and Michael were having significant arguments with their son Jim.  Carol stated, "From the time I get up to the time I go to bed, it’s a battle.  Jim is disrespectful and curses me all the time.  He refuses to clean his room or go to bed on time and leaves the house without permission.  Half way through the day, I am burned out."  To try and begin to create a contract with their son, I asked Carol and Michael to each create a list of the most important problems that keep occurring between them and their son. 

5 Questions for the Family Agreement
I asked them to keep the following Five Questions in mind:

Once each parent had written their own list, I asked them to combine their lists.  If there are any discrepancies, I asked them to come to some sort of consensus.  Carol and Michael came up with the following list of problems:

As you can see, the problems that Carol discussed, "not going to bed on time" and "refusing to clean room" are not on this list.  The pair has successfully streamlined their problems by eliminating those that may be arbitrary.

Step #2. Creating Concrete Rules
The second step is creating concrete rules.  I have found that many teens are able to undermine the contract if everything is not laid out word-for-word.  Dr. Scott Sells calls this the "literal disease" in which teenagers will use such familiar phrases as, "You didn’t say I couldn’t stay out until two.  You just said I had to come home on school nights." 

In a way, they are correct, parents simply assume their teens understand the rule word for word.  In order to avoid the "literal disease", I asked Carol and Mike to make every rule clear and to define such actions that will incite a punishment.  For example, the problem "hits younger brother" was delineated in the following way:

Jim’s behavior toward his brother will be considered an act of violence if he does one of the following:

They next went on to say that if Jim continued to commit the above actions, he would be punished.  Think of your Mike and Carol.  Have they become a victim of a teenager under the influence of the "literal disease"?  How could they improve the rules in the household so that their teenager could not find a loophole?

Step #3. Creating a Well-Written Consequence
In addition to streamlining problems and creating concrete rules, the third step is creating a well-written consequence.  Usually, for first-time offences, I ask that parents use the usual type of punishments such as grounding. 

However, if a teen becomes a repeat offender, there are ten consequences that parents have found work most efficiently on their teen.  These parents have reported to me that they have, in a sense, "tested" the waters on almost all of these punishments until they have found the right one.  Also, you will find that some of these "consequences" are positive ones which are ways for the parent to motivate the teen into becoming more responsible. 

The Top 10 Consequences
The Top Ten Consequences that I give my adult clients are:

Carol and Michael tried out several of these on Jim until they found his weakness:  loosening restrictions.  Michael stated, "We realized that he had actually been doing quite well, and, to encourage him, we gave him a later curfew, which he holds to.  He even said ‘thanks’ when we told him."  I also emphasize to my clients that enforcing the consequences is even more important than writing them down.  Without enforcement, teens will begin to think that they can bend the rules.  Think of your Carol and Michael.  Could they benefit from "Creating a Family Agreement Contract"?

On this track, we discussed the three key steps involved in writing an effective Family Agreement Contract.  These steps included:  streamlining the problems; creating concrete rules; and creating a well-written consequence.