The task of parenting is a difficult one for which most people are unschooled.
The difficulty is exacerbated when parents are divorced. They no longer have each
other to turn to for help in raising the children, and, the divorce itself creates
additional problems that are not present in an intact family.
Concerned
parents realize the importance of trying to help their children come through the
separation with as few “battle scars” as possible. One of the professional’s
multiroles in helping a family through the parental separation is the minimization
of possible negative effects on children. We strongly advocate a preventive approach,
reaching parents early in the separation/divorce process and educating them in
general parenting skills and in areas specifically related to divorce and children.
However, we know that most parents do not present themselves or their children
to mental health professionals until they perceive a crisis or there is chronic
discomfort. Then, the educational process may have to wait until crisis intervention
or other therapeutic techniques have reduced the florid symptoms.
Helping
Parents Communicate with Their Children About the Divorce
One way to minimize
children’s negative reactions to divorce is to help the children understand
what is happening around them Communicating with the children may be difficult
for parents who, at this time are typically involved in their own concerns and
life readjustments. Helping the children through the separation does not negate
the parents’ need to attend to their own changes. However, the importance
of parental support and intervention for their children at this time cannot be
overemphasized.
There are several ways in which parents can
learn to communicate with their children, and to support them through their crisis
or readjustment period. One approach is to have the parent enlist a therapist’s
professiorial opinion about the appropriateness of including the child in some
form of therapy: individual, family, or group therapy. An alternate approach is
for the parent to work with the therapist toward understanding the child’s
needs and toward learning skills needed for effectively supporting the child.
When
possible, the children need to hear (preferably from the parents), just prior
to the separation, of the inevitability of this occurrence and the decisions and
plans. Jacobson (1978b), who studied the impact of interparent hostility on the
children noted: “If attitudes emerge that lead to facing a situation realistically,
rather than those of denial before the event occurs, the chances of developing
symptoms can be reduced” (p.177). Children are usually aware that something
is wrong in the family and even spy and eavesdrop to try to find out what they
need to know. The following example illustrates the dilemma for some children:
Jerry,
an 11-year-old, was chastised by his mother for eavesdropping. In his group counseling
session, he discussed his predicament: Neither his mother nor his father told
him of impending changes in his life that concerned him. He knew that his mother
was considering remarriage but did not know her decision or when the marriage
might take place. He knew his father was thinking of moving away but when questioning
his father, he was told not to ask questions. His dilemma was to eavesdrop and
risk punishment or to live with his anxiety of not knowing about his future.
The
children in the group suggested to Jerry that he ask his mother about her plans.
The group leader called Jerry’s mother in to discuss the impact of her behavior
on Jerry and to encourage her to be more open with him.
It is difficult
for parents to decide what to tell the children. The principle to be observed
by parents is to give sufficient information to clarify confusion and reduce anxiety
without overburdening the children with more information than they can handle.
The
Parent Who Does Not Tell Enough
The professional will encounter parents
who separate without telling their children. They may accomplish this by saying
nothing at all or they may fabricate a plausible story such as, “Dad is going
away on a business trip.” The rationale for not telling the children or for
lying to the children needs to be explored with the parents. They may not wish
to open “Pandora’s box.” They separate, then wait for the children
to ask questions. If no questions are forthcoming, they assume that the children
are fine and they are relieved of the burden of giving an explanation. But, in
reality, the parents’ silence may lead the children to understand that this
is not a topic to be mentioned.
Some parents think their children are
too young to understand. Actually, very young children may not comprehend any
verbal explanation other than “Daddy is going bye-bye.” Children older
than age 3 usually can comprehend at least a simple explanation. It is never too
late to provide children with an explanation of the reasons for the separation
in language they can understand. As they get older and can better comprehend,
they may request or need additional explanations. Some parents assume that they
have given their children adequate explanations and are surprised when the children
need a repetition of information they had already heard to help them assimilate
it at a new level of comprehension.
Parent reticence may be
caused by the discomfort that results from the belief that the information must
be presented in a strong way, without tears. In reality, the parent’s tears
and emotional display give the children nonverbal permission to have feelings
of their own. The fact that the parent is explaining the separation implies strength
in itself.
The Parent Who Tells Too Much
Overdisclosure
is confusing to children. It is not within the bounds of good parenting to give
children information which would cause them to turn against the other parent.
For example, children do not need to be privy to information about a parent’s
extramarital affairs or other personal, sensitive matters such as impotence or
homosexuality. Unfortunately, situations such as that of Susan are not that uncommon:
Susan, a 12-year-old child had come to therapy with extreme hostility toward
her father and rejection of him. As Susan talked about the divorce, her therapist
learned that the mother had allowed the child to read the information that her
lawyer was using in court against her father. Since the child was only exposed
to the negative information about the father, the child began to view her father
as responsible for the divorce, cruel to her mother during their years of marriage,
and a “bad” person.
On the other hand, parents often
cannot hide the truth from the children. If the reason for the separation is alcoholism
or physical abuse, the children have seen or heard evidence of it and the accuracy
of their perceptions needs to be verified.
Thirteen-year-old
Jane was referred for therapy after several incidents of acting out behavior.
In the course of treatment, she acknowledged the connection between her behavior
and her anger at her divorced mother. Then Jane revealed that she was certain
that her mother was to blame in the divorce because she had an affair with Jane’s
diving coach. Jane’s mother had repeatedly denied the affair. Finally, Jane
confronted her mother with her anger and her reasons for feeling so certain. Her
mother admitted that Jane’s perception was accurate. Jane felt relieved,
dealt in therapy with her anger at having been lied to, and the acting out ceased.
The
older the children, and the more to which they have been privy, the more complete
the explanation of the reasons for the separation need to be. Otherwise, the children
will become distrustful of the veracity of their parents’ statements to them.
- Cantor, Dorothy, & Drake, Ellen, Divorced Parents and Their Children,
Springer Publishing Company: New York, 1983.
The article above contains foundational information. Articles below contain optional updates.
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Personal
Reflection Exercise #4
The preceding section contained information
about the negative impact of divorce on children. Write three case study examples
regarding how you might use the content of this section in your practice.
QUESTION
12
What are four rationale parents have for not telling their children
they are separating? Record the letter of the correct answer the .
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