In the last track, we discussed the possibly overlooked
consequences that children suffer from as the unintended victims of domestic violence.
These consequences are role reversal, slowed motor development, and somatic complaints.
In this track, we will be discussing ways to help children deal with their crisis behaviors as they may enter a domestic violence shelter.
As
you know, children residing in shelters have been forced to leave home with few
or no belongings, at any hour of the night or day, following a violent incident.
This obviously defines a crisis for a child, as their normal coping patterns and
support systems, which may not have been initially healthy, are disrupted. Have
you found like I have, that this disruption in the child's life can often be overlooked
as a crisis event?
As you know, there has been a dramatic
increase in the number of domestic violence shelters in the United States. However,
not all shelters accept children, and of those shelters that do, only a small
fraction offer counseling services for the children. Statistically, domestic violence
shelters often have no treatment for the child as a victim and mainly focus on
the battered woman. Yet, children often outnumber adult residents by a factor
of two to three.
Let's look specifically at 3 Crisis Behaviors that Tony, a nine-year old living in a shelter with his mother, worked through.
These 3 Crisis Behaviors, among others, are often typical of children entering
a domestic violence shelter. After presenting the crisis behaviors of emotional
suffering, inappropriate aggression, and hiding the problem, we will discuss three
steps I took with Tony to help him through his crisis behaviors.
3 Typical Crisis Behaviors when Entering a Domestic Violence Shelter
  Behavior #1: Emotional Suffering
In a session, I stated to Tony, "When
you came to this shelter with your mom, you had to leave your school, friends,
neighbors, your home, and even your father. Do you ever feel angry or guilty about
what happened?" Tony stated, "Yeah, I get angry a lot. Most of the times
I love my dad, but sometimes I hate him too." Like many children of battering
relationships, Tony was experiencing confusion regarding parental loyalties and
ambivalence toward his father. Have you found, like I have, that children can
feel both intense rage and longing toward their parents side by side? This emotional
combination is one that most children, much less those from abusive homes, are
not developmentally equipped to handle.
To help Tony deal
with his conflicting emotions about his father, I found I needed to accept the
full range of feelings that he had toward him. One minute he loved his father,
and the next minute Tony's hands were clenched in frustration thinking about his
father. I found in my sessions that this teetering back and forth was actually
allowing Tony to reconcile his conflicting emotions. When Tony learned to accept
the hate and love that he felt, he was less confused when his emotions didn't
match. Have you also found that children such as Tony will swing between love
and anger toward their parents? Do you allow them to freely experience these emotions?
Behavior #2: Inappropriate Aggression
As
you know, children of battering relationships can become passive and withdrawn,
as well as destructive and aggressive. As with many children of battering relationships,
Tony's initial mode of problem solving was hitting, as he did not see any alternatives.
He once threw a video game controller at another boy when he lost, and he often
hit other boys for playing with a toy he wanted.
As Tony began
to work through his feelings about abuse with me, he would often lash out at others
inappropriately. Tony's behavior became increasingly aggressive, abusive, and
negative. When children begin to lash out, as with Tony, I find that I need to
do two things. First, I do not tolerate the acting-out behaviors. But second,
I try to lovingly enforce the rules of the shelter regarding inappropriate behavior.
Behavior #3: Hiding the Problem
In addition
to the crisis behaviors of emotional suffering and inappropriate aggression, I
have found children will also attempt to hide the problem of abuse in their family.
However, as you may know, this hiding behavior can often become much more intense
as a child reaches the age of 11. Tony told me in a session that his father once
told him that if he told about the abuse, the whole family would fall apart, and
it would be all his fault. As a child passes the age of 11, he will often become
very guarded and secretive about his family situation, and may become very protective
of his mother. As you may know, the single most common injury to 14-year-old boys
results from their attempts to intervene in battering situations between their
mother and the abuser.
3-Step Technique for Helping Your Client Through Crisis Behaviors
With Tony, I followed 3 steps to help
him through his crisis behaviors of emotional suffering, inappropriate aggression,
and hiding the problem, as he entered the shelter. As I describe these, compare
them to what you would do with your Tony.
#1. Spend Time. As you know, crisis workers may have only a short time to spend with an abused
child. The mother may return home the next morning. Usually, the time is spent
focusing on providing the mother with information regarding resources, etc. However,
with Tony, I made a point to spend time with him, even though it was only a few
minutes. I wanted to show him that I noticed him, and that I cared. Do you agree
that these children need to feel seen and understood?
#2.
Name feelings. I have found that children of domestic violence often feel
emotions they are unable to express. As you know, they might be too young to define
the feelings or too scared to express them. In my sessions with Tony, I felt that
he was very frightened. Due to the fact that Tony stared stoically at the ground,
I felt most probably that Tony's fear may have been unacceptable or unsafe for
him to express. I stated to Tony, "What you are telling me seems like it
must have been very frightening for you. Were you scared? I think I would be scared
if I were you."
#3. Reinforce. I, like you, have
found that children of domestic violence will often feel that they have done something
bad by revealing the abuse at home. After Tony first told me how he witnessed
his father holding his mother's hand on the stove burner, I noticed he began acting
guilty and ashamed. I stated to Tony, "I know it's really hard to talk about
these kinds of things, but I'm proud of you for telling me. It's much better to
tell an adult you can trust than to hold it all inside." I also assured Tony
that he had not burdened me by telling me about the abuse, nor was he being disloyal to his parents.
Are you currently treating a child like Tony
who is suffering from the crisis behaviors of emotional suffering, inappropriate
aggression, and hiding the problem that were discussed in this track? Would these
three steps of spending time, naming feelings, and reinforcing help him to deal
with his crisis?
In the next track, we will discuss a group
treatment that can address these issues and help the children to cope with their
situation.
QUESTION 2
What change often occurs in a child of a battering relationship once
he reaches the age of eleven? To select and enter your answer go to . |
