the previous track, we discussed the Power House Three that occur with learned
helplessness and result in failure expectancy; as well as the intervention of
Now let's examine how self-hate causes depression and
discuss the Six Building Blocks in the battered woman's Pyramid of Self-Hate.
The 6 Building Blocks in the Pyramid of Self-Hate
1. Find the Cause
The first building block in the self-hate pyramid is finding the cause. As
you know, a battered client's depression frequently stems from her feelings of
self-hate. Often these feelings are so embedded that the battered woman thinks
she deserves the terror she experiences in the attack from her batterer.
I asked Jody, a 34-year-old mother
of three, "Why do you think your husband, Bart, slapped you to the floor
and kicked you in the ribs?" Jody sobbed, "Because I am a terrible wife."
I stated, "From what you have told me, it seems to me that you are a caring
mother and good wife that works hard for her family."
Here is where Jody's self-scapegoating came into play. Jody replied, "No, you are wrong. I never
work hard enough. And I'm too sensitive. I let Bart down all the time!" In
order to facilitate her growth through the self-hating process, I felt Jody needed
to increase her awareness of the true cause of her abuse. Have you found like
I, that with many battered women, they use themselves as a scapegoat? With Jody,
it was helpful to first attempt to find the cause of self-hate within her life.
2. Resistance, or Encountering "The Wall."
Obviously, after introducing the idea to your client that she may not be the cause,
resistance is the second block in the self-hate pyramid. I am a visual person
and like to refer to resistance in my mind as "The wall." It makes it
easier for me to accept and to maneuver around resistance, intervention-wise.
As you can see, Jody is exhibiting the second block in the self-hate pyramid,
what Dr. Theodore Rubin calls classic "resistance."
Here, as you know,
Jody is actively resisting reassurance that she is, in fact, a good wife and mother.
Jody has low feelings of self-worth and low value as a wife and mother. Jody often
blames herself for her husband Bart's anger. Think of a client you have like Jody,
who has the self-hating pyramid deeply ingrained and embedded in her psyche. Would
the self-scapegoating terminology be beneficial in your next session?
I stated to Jody, "Maybe the problem lies in the kind of person Bart is."
However, Jody once again emphatically replied, "No, it's me! I'm just not
good enough for him or my kids. My meals are never good enough, and the house
always looks like a pit!" I asked Jody if she had ever heard of the term
"scapegoating". She replied, "Yes, that's when you blame someone
else." I replied, "Have you ever thought about the fact that you may
be self-scapegoating?" She sat quietly for a moment.
Then I could tell a
light bulb went off in her mind. She almost exclaimed, "My god, yes you are
right! I blame myself for everything. I wonder if there's something else besides
me going on with Bart, maybe at work that makes him so angry." Think of your
Jody. Would introducing the term self-scapegoating in your next session provide
her with an insight to the cause of her self-hate and facilitate the scaling of
her wall of resistance?
3. Unrealistic Expectations.
Another building block in the foundation of the battered woman's self-hate pyramid
is unrealistic standards and expectations. See if Sara sounds familiar to you.
Sara, a 28-year-old single mother had just left a battering relationship. She
was struggling to raise two children by herself. Sara was severely depressed and
contemplating suicide before she decided to seek help. As you know, battered women
are at an increased risk for suicide because of this increasing sense of self-hate.
A study of 176 women who came to emergency service for attempted suicide over
a 1-year period indicated that 30% of the women who attempted suicide had also
been battered. In the first session Sara stated, "I want to return to Miles.
I just know he can give me the love I never got as a child! Sometimes he can be
such a sweetheart and say just the right thing. I just know he's the perfect person
for me." Clearly, Sara has an idealized view of her relationship with Miles.
So what would you do with your Sara? I thought it important to encourage
Sara to rethink her expectations for Miles.
In addition to scapegoating, the wall, and unrealistic expectations, I found it
helpful for my battered clients to examine their self-worth.
to help Sara increase her self-worth, I found it helpful to work with her to discuss
successes she had experienced in her life. Sara was able to recall a time that
she was worthy of praise. Upon graduating college, Sara was asked to work for
one the networks in her hometown as a news reporter. While she didn't accept the
job because Miles wanted her to stay home, she was proud of the offer.
I then asked Sara if she was worth taking a few seconds out of the day to do something
for herself. I suggested to start with something simple like taking a deep breath.
I explained to Sara, "This can be done in a non-visible way so as not be
noticed by others." I had Sara practice this "selfishness break"
by taking a deep breath in the session. I felt it was effective to call this homework
activity a "selfishness break" because it addressed up-front the selflessness
building block of her resistance in her self-hate pyramid to do something for
5. Self-Vindictive Criticism.
way a battered client can contribute to her self-hate pyramid is through self-vindictive
criticism. The sessions with Rachel, aged 42, began when her husband, Max, had
been court-ordered into an anger management group. I asked Rachel to think about
the statement, "Self-vindictive criticism has little or no constructive value."
While self-improvement can be used as a rationalization for self criticism, the
real motivation behind self-vindictive criticism is self-blame.
called herself "stupid, cowardly, weak, and inept." She had no idea
that she was imposing impossible standards on herself. These standards contributed
to creating her self-hate reinforced by Max's frequent pushes, shoves, and kicks.
When we discussed self-vindictive criticism, Rachel stated that she understood
intellectually what this meant, but didn't understand how it applied to her. To
facilitate this process, I asked Rachel to recall an earlier time when she felt
she didn't measure up, perhaps from her childhood. Rachel recalled a time when
her father expected nothing less than 100 percent.
She was even afraid to confide
in him about not making it into the debate club because this would be seen as
failure, and beating with a belt would follow. Rachel's marriage to Max seemed
to be a mechanism to reinforce and replay those impossible standards imposed on
her by her father.
Think of a battered client you are currently treating
who has deeply embedded in her basic premise about herself the Self-Hate Pyramid
Building Block of severe self-vindictive criticism.
6. Second Guessing.
Has your client progressed into the sixth building
block of second guessing? As you are aware, one of the most common forms of self-hatred
occurs in the form of second-guessing. A few of the statements that Rachel made
are "yes, but", "I should have", "I could have",
"what if", etc. As you know, self-hate is a response to not only feel
the lack of perfection, but self-hate because of her inability to predict the
Exercise: Underlying Issues Worksheet
I use the Underlying Issues
Worksheet to help battered clients see how impossible some of their goals and
standards can be. I find the Underlying Issues Worksheet helps a battered woman
examine how the symptoms of self-hate serve her. If a woman grew up in a family
that does not validate her needs and emotions, she learns to adapt and perhaps
duplicate this situation in her adult life. I used the Underlying Issues Worksheet
with both Jody and Rachel. Here is how it works.
Three Columns of the Worksheet
Three columns are headed: Feelings
or Symptoms; Underlying Issues; and Protective Function. Here is how this worksheet
applied to Rachel's fear of going to court. Since this is a common fear, as I
explain the worksheet, evaluate if you have a current client with which you might
use this technique.
-- Column 1 on the worksheet is headed Feelings
or Symptoms. Under this column, have your client list a symptom and when this
symptom would occur. For example, Rachel would feel terrified when going into
court. The feelings she wrote under this column were: terror, panic, fear, and
anger. The main symptoms she came up with were the inability to sleep, a headache,
and pain in the back of her neck.
-- Column 2 on the worksheet is
headed Underlying Issues. Follow the symptom listing with underlying reasons.
Rachel said that she was afraid of failing and returning home to Mark, who would
then slap her around even worse than he had in the past.
-- Column 3 on the worksheet is headed Protective Function. Finally, list the protective
behavior in which your client engages. For example, Rachel retreated in to a shell
of passive withdrawal in order to escape the beatings from Mark and her constant
feelings of inadequacy.
We have just discussed the Six Building Blocks
in the Self-Hate Pyramid of Scapegoating, building a wall, unrealistic relationship
expectations, selflessness, self-vindictive criticism, and second guessing. If
you feel this information might be beneficial to a client you are currently treating,
you might consider replaying this track now or make a note in your appointment
booklet to replay track 6 at a time in the future.
The next track will
discuss the seven Personal Terrorisms felt by many battered women.
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