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Interventions for Leaving a Violent Relationship
Violent Relationships continuing education counselor CEUs

Section 7
Track #7 - 10 Questions to Uncover Truths about the Abuser

CEU Question 7 | CEU Answer Booklet | Table of Contents | Domestic Violence
Social Worker CEUs, Counselor CEUs, Psychologist CEs, MFT CEUs

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Oftentimes the Anger Letter discussed in the last track uncovers feelings of empathy for the abuser.

In this track we will discuss how to create a reality check for your battered client who feels sorry for her batterer

As you know, it is often a difficult and complex process to get a battered woman to seek aid. There are many factors that combine to create a situation in which the battered woman must not only fight against her battering partner's control tactics, but also fight her own confusions and hesitancy about the situation.

As you know, battered women will often make excuses for their batterer's behavior, and may even feel sorry for him, especially if her batterer is an alcoholic. Battered women will often view the explosive personality of their partner as manifestations of a disease. Ashley stated, "Nick would start drinking, and it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He would fly into a rage, but I always knew it was his alcoholism. Nick's dad was an alcoholic, too. I know he can't really help it."

With battered women such as Ashley who make excuses and feel sorry for her batterer, I typically educate her of the dangers and risks associated with this avoidance behavior. Ashley was avoidant of seeing his true behavior. After several sessions, Ashley realized that, despite Nick's illness of alcoholism, she was nonetheless being abused.

Ashley stated, "It took years for my pity to turn to anger. Eventually I stopped feeling sorry for him. I said, 'He's got a drinking problem, he refuses to get help, and now there's nothing I can do to change that.' I think I might have been making all those excuses and feeling sorry for Nick just so I wouldn't have to feel my own anger about what was happening." As with many battered women, Ashley had created a defense mechanism of feeling sorry for her batterer in order to avoid her own feelings of anger and assertiveness.

Share on Facebook Motives Exercise
As with Ashley have you found, like I, that most battered women focus on the benefits of staying and fail to ask themselves what are the benefits of leaving? In order for battered women to see the costs of an abusive relationship I found it helpful to do a Motives Exercise. As you listen to the following questions, think about a battered client you are currently treating and how a Motives Exercise might help her to uncover some of the truths about the abuse. Compare this with questions you use… if you hear some new ones you might write them down or replay this part of the track.

10 Questions to Uncover Truths
-- 1. What
are the costs, as you sees them, of his abuse?
-- 2. What are the costs, as he sees them, of his abuse?
-- 3. What does he get out of it?
-- 4. When you examine his possible motives, which, if any, of the following fit?
-- 5. Does he want to be powerful? Look good? Stay in control? Be right?
-- 6. How often does his behavior work for him?
-- 7. How does he act when his behavior doesn't work?
-- 8. How does he act when his behavior does work?
-- 9. Where would you place him on a morality scale? Is he moving up or down?
-- 10. When you add it all up; is there hope?

Are you currently treating a battered woman who was hesitant to leave her battering partner because she feels sorry for him? Would writing these questions down or replaying them be of help in your next session.

But while they are deciding whether to leave or stay how do they remain safe? In the next track we will be discussing the survival tools many battered women may need to protect themselves from further harm, while they are in the "deciding to leave" stage.

Online Continuing Education QUESTION 7
What is a question you might ask a battered client who feels sorry for her batterer? To select and enter your answer go to CEU Answer Booklet.

 
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