the last track we discussed the four R's of regaining self-esteem. Have you found, like
I have, that as your client grows through these four R's some resulting emotions
they may experience are: fear, guilt, a feeling of going crazy, and anger?
a 28 year old payroll clerk for a small manufacturing plant, reported
feeling completely isolated from the rest of the world. Jonathan stated, "Ever
since I left home I've felt that I won't be able to make a living, and I'll be
out on the street. I used to have some money in the bank, but since Amy left,
I live paycheck to paycheck. She used to pay half the rent. I always have a knot
in my stomach when I get my paycheck. Last Friday, I threw-up when I got home.
I'm afraid I won't have enough money, and I won't be able to pay my rent."
Jonathan's fear of financial failure had caused him to put his life on hold. Jonathan
told me, "I feel that if I don't work all the time I won't be able keep up
at work. But since I'm on salary, no matter how many hours I work I still make
the same amount of money."
Four Key Feelings in the Emotional Roller Coaster
you found that most clients who are trying to overcome Lifetraps have negatively
focused lives? Have your clients already tried a variety of strategies to overcome
their Lifetrap? In this case, Jonathan's fear of being homeless created an emotional
roller coaster for him. When his strategy of coping failed, he felt a variety
of emotions and was on "an emotional roller coaster." I've found that
at the core of this emotional roller coaster there are four key feelings. See
if this has been your experience as well. Four key feelings that facilitate the
"I'm Unlovable" or "I'm unworthy" mindset are fear, guilt,
the feeling of "going crazy," and anger.
Feeling # 1 - Fear
The first key feeling is fear. As you know, your clients become accustomed to
living their lives in a particular way. Jonathan feared that anything he did would
make his situation worse. Fear of change often prohibited him from seeking help
in the past and making effective change. Jonathan stated "I know I work too
much. I never see my friends anymore. I know I'll never meet anyone like Amy.
But if I can't pay my bills and get evicted, they aren't going to want to be my
friend anyway, so what does it matter?"
Visualization of a Container Technique
What do you do with your clients,
like Jonathan, whose fear of not being able to financially maintain their lifestyle
puts them on an emotional roller coaster? Here's what I did. I used a self-soothing
technique to decrease the intensity of Jonathan's fear. Self-soothing allowed
Jonathan to experience quick physiological and emotional relief. I asked Jonathan
to sit comfortably in his chair and imagine a container two feet in front of him.
I then asked Jonathan to transfer his fear of being homeless into the container
as he counted from 1 to 3. Is the visualization of a container a technique you
might utilize with your fearful client?
Feeling # 2 - Guilt
The second key feeling on the emotional "I'm Unlovable" roller coaster
is guilt. Do you agree? As you know, constant worrying leaves many clients feeling
like they always need to defend themselves from their fears. Jonathan's feeling
that he wasn't good enough, wasn't going to survive, and that he was unlovable
wore down his resistance to his internal guilt criticisms. One source of guilt
came from not being able to keep himself happy and have his needs met ever since
Amy left. A second source of guilt for Jonathan happened when he took the blame
for not being able to make Amy happy.
stated, "If only I'd held on to Amy, I'd be happy." What do you do with
your guilt-ridden clients? I found it helpful with Jonathan to tell him it sounded
like he was experiencing "If Only" guilt. This increased Jonathan's
awareness of the guilt he was creating in himself by his "If Only" self-talk.
Feeling # 3 - Going
In addition to fear and guilt, many clients express
a third emotion I find, best described, as feeling like they're going crazy.
When clients try to confront their Lifetraps head-on rather than taking steps
to rid themselves of their Lifetraps, they often find themselves overwhelmed,
which may leave them with the feeling of Going-Crazy. Jonathan stated, "I
always think I'm not going to have enough money for unexpected expenses, like
fixing my car or a high electric bill when the cold weather hits. I sell things
I own, just to have enough money. Then, even if I have enough money, I'm afraid
I am forgetting to pay something. I feel like I'm going crazy."
yourself, does your client feel like he or she is going crazy? Do they have trouble
sleeping? Insomnia? Nightmares? Does your client disconnect from his or her emotions,
stating something like, "I shouldn't feel this way?" To what extent
do your clients, suffering from Lifetraps, actually feel trapped? Are they sinking
into depression? What are indications of your client's loss of his or her sense
Feeling # 4 - Anger
In addition to fear, guilt, and a feeling of going crazy, is a feeling of anger.
For the client you currently have in mind, ask yourself, "Has this client
gotten to the point where the ultimate compilation of these emotions is anger?"
Anger is the fourth emotion in addition to fear, guilt, and going crazy. When
Jonathan felt he'd blown the relationship with Amy and wouldn't be able to meet
his needs financially, he became angry with himself. He told me, "I feel
so angry that I can't be a responsible adult! I can't take care of myself."
an Anger Log
When a client expresses anger towards themselves, I
feel it is important that they create an Anger Log. I told Jonathan, "If
you find yourself angry, it might be helpful to record the experience." Have
you found that documenting the management of anger increases a client's self-awareness?
For his anger log, I asked Jonathan to write about the conditions involved in
his anger, including any external events and any self-talk preceding, during,
and after the experience of anger. I told Jonathan, "Keeping an anger log
will help you step back and put your anger in perspective."
found, like you may have, that many clients on an emotional roller coaster and
feeling "I'm Unlovable" may feel that sorting emotions and making changes
seems too overwhelming. I find it helpful to remind clients to do what they can,
one step at a time. By sorting out their feelings, things may become clearer,
and they'll be more able to take positive action. The next track will discuss
clients who experience an emotional roller coaster that result in physical abuse.
Online Continuing Education QUESTION
What are the four emotions that result from going through the four R's
of Regaining Self-Esteem? To select and enter your answer go to .